Why Do You Put the Thoughts, Emotions, and Needs of Others Above Your Own?

“I always said that I had to put myself in the other person’s place in order to understand them.That’s how others tormented me; they tied me up and did whatever they wanted with me. And I still don’t know how I managed to get out of their place again.” — Titos Patrikios

The other-directedness domain is one of the five core schema domains in Jeffrey Young’s Schema Therapy model. It refers to patterns where individuals prioritize others’ needs, desires, or approval over their own, often at the expense of self-expression or self-care. Schemas in this domain often include subjugation, self-sacrifice, and approval-seeking/recognition-seeking.

Childhood Experiences

Individuals who develop other-directedness schemas usually grow up in environments where their emotional needs were overlooked, dismissed, or conditional. Common childhood experiences include:

• Emotional neglect: Parents or caregivers were emotionally unavailable or inconsistent, leaving the child to suppress their own needs to maintain connection.

• Conditional approval: Love and acceptance were given only when the child prioritized the desires of parents, siblings, or authority figures.

• Conflict avoidance: The child learned that expressing anger, frustration, or disagreement led to rejection or withdrawal of affection.

• Excessive responsibility: They were expected to care for siblings or manage adult-like responsibilities, reinforcing the idea that their value lies in serving others.

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As a result, these children often learn to monitor others’ needs closely and suppress their own feelings and desires to maintain connection and approval.

Adult Patterns

As adults, individuals with other-directedness schemas often:

• Prioritize others over themselves: They may struggle to assert their own needs, often feeling guilty when they do.

• Seek approval and validation: Their sense of self-worth is heavily dependent on others’ recognition or appreciation.

• Avoid conflict: They may go to great lengths to keep peace, sometimes at significant personal cost.

• Neglect self-care: Physical, emotional, and mental needs may be routinely sacrificed for the sake of others.

• Feel resentment or burnout: Chronic self-sacrifice often leads to frustration, exhaustion, or passive-aggressive behaviors.

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On the positive side, these individuals are often empathetic, attentive, and skilled at reading social cues, which can make them deeply supportive partners, friends, and colleagues—but only when their patterns are recognized and managed.

Summary

In essence, the other-directedness domain reflects a learned survival strategy from childhood, where prioritizing others was necessary for emotional security. In adulthood, this can manifest as both high empathy and relational skill, as well as challenges in self-assertion and self-worth.

References

Young, Jeffrey E., Janet S. Klosko & Marjorie E. Weishaar. Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide.New York: Guilford Press, 2003.